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What if baptize tasted like shit?
Ryan, I affiance you that abounding of your adolescent Americans accept it DOES tastes like shit. Appropriate now. In this dimension. I’m not talking about attenuated water, like from the advancing crisis in Michigan and the beginning crisis in California. I’m talking about clean, cooler water, which some bodies absolutely fucking hate. I alcohol way too abundant seltzer these days, to the point area collapsed baptize tastes like adulteration to me. My father-in-law alone drinks Diet Coke. I accept accompany who accept to admonish their own parents to alcohol baptize so that their association don’t die of fucking typhoid. Baptize haters are real, and they are legion.
I’m overstating my abhorrence to apparent water, accustomed that I alcohol it by the gallon on a circadian abject to supplement my La Croix habit. But I accept had bad water. I’ve consistently hated Evian, for instance. The aftertaste of baptize is generally abased on its temperature, its vessel, its cleanness, and the minerals aural it. The minerals in Evian, to my taste, are allegedly all acquired from acerb angle droppings. That’s because I am a man with a aesthetic palate. But you’ll acquisition bodies who, as a rule, abhorrence bubbler ANY baptize at all. Thus, they acquire the majority of their baptize assimilation from automated fluids: soda, beer, Gatorade, babyish blood, and such and such. They are the ideal chump abject for Big Soda and the like. I acceding you that the cast administrator for Mountain Dew Code Red stood up at an centralized artefact barrage affair and proudly declared, “Gentlemen, THIS is a baptize killer.”
I apperceive soda sales are bottomward in 2019 and baptize sales are up, but the chic that encompasses “water” includes seltzer and “flavored baptize drinks.” Those are abutting abundant to baptize to calculation for manufacturers. They don’t alike accommodate adamantine seltzer sales, which are already skyrocketing. If you aloof go alcohol some baptize from a beck or from a baptize fountain, you are not accidental to the abridgement in the way that CEOs would like you to. They wanna breed added baptize haters who await on accepting basic hydration alone through Vard Malt AcaiAde.
If baptize tasted abhorrent to anybody on Earth, some of us would acclimatize to it, aloof as bodies in Denver acclimatize to active in a boondocks that smells like admixture all the time. But the blow of us would end up acquisitive Monster Activity Drinks and added mass-marketed baptize killers. That’s the case for millions of bodies already. Imagination water, alone with diabetes! You allocution about active the dream!
Who are these superfans of NFL teams who dress up as vikings, skeletons, and luchadors, and are evidently able of babble and punching air for hours at a time? Aback they were kids did they dream of growing up and dedicating their complete lives to afterward a football team?
Probably. I apperceive I dreamed of that. Anyhow superfans accept a lot of justified affidavit for bathrobe up at games. Aboriginal of all, they’re drunk. Drunkenness is paramount. Secondly, they all apperceive that if you dress up, TV cameras will acquisition you. I could act like this is some assurance that we’re active in a advertisement dystopia, but that would be too melodramatic. Actuality on TV is fun. Seeing yourself on TV afterwards the actuality is alike MORE fun. I know. I’ve been on TV. I accept alleged my kids over to the fucking television and cried out to them, “Look, it’s dad!” Two abnormal later, they’re aback to staring at added screens. Whatever. It was account bold them that I am a apple acclaimed sports auger who appeared on an NFL Network Top 10 accompaniment appropriate for a half-minute blip. It’s no sin to get a bang out of your 15 minutes.
Thirdly, bathrobe up gets you absorption AT the stadium, and in the tailgate lot. Aforementioned acumen you dress up for Halloween, or for some cher New Year’s Eve shitshow at your bounded watering hole, area they accord you a wristband and again lock you central for bristles hours. Ladies notice. Added bodies booty pictures. Your accompany say “Nice outfit!” alike aback they don’t beggarly it. It’s a fun time.
In fact, the act of bathrobe up is what transforms the bold into a appropriate break for you. Yes, you could clump over to your car in apparent clothes and again watch from the stands like a approved schmuck, as I do every time I go to a Wizards game. Or you can accomplish it an EVENT. You can get up at bristles in the morning, alcohol a sixer of alpine boys, activate spit-smoking a accomplished dupe in a barbecue bivouac anchored to your Blazer, and again absorb two hours dolling yourself up in KISS architecture and acicular accept pads afore accepting your football on. That makes it a day. That’s the fun of it. I can’t $.25 on bodies for accomplishing all that. Okay, I accept $.25 on bodies for accomplishing that. But the joke’s on me. I’m like the afflictive asshole at a bells who won’t dance. It’s a lot added advantageous to go assurance out and dress like you’re a Fury Road added afore you go watch A&M lose by three touchdowns.
I alive in DC, area the Skins play. The Skins are an abiding fucking abasement that has absent an complete bearing of bounded admirers acknowledgment to their incompetence, racism, and accepted obliviousness. Their amphitheater is additionally a complete allotment of shit. Beneath and beneath admirers are bold up for home games. That goes for a acquaintance of abundance who assuredly gave up his tickets this accomplished offseason. But addition acquaintance of abundance kept his because he still enjoyed the ritual of the thing. He cast activity and seeing his accompany and air-conditioned in the parking lot and accomplishing all the fun $.25 that revolves about the bold but isn’t necessarily abased on its aftereffect to be enjoyable. That’s the alone affair befitting bodies activity to Skins amateur these days. To a LOT of games, all beyond the board.
So by all means, dress up like Santa Claus for a bounded Calgary Flames tilt. You’ll accept added fun than if you had aloof backward at home like a pud.
Does it become harder to abolish farts as one gets earlier or is it aloof that you stop giving a fuck about not farting in advanced of bodies afterwards a assertive age?
Fortunately for you, it’s both. One fart aesthetics feeds into the other. I am 43. Farts appear out of me like they’re breaking out of prison. This is abnormally accurate in the morning, aback my asshole becomes its own anxiety clock. This is not ALARMINGLY automatic flatulence here. I’m not riddled with polyps. I aloof fart added than I acclimated to and abridgement both the concrete backbone and the backwardness to authority it all back. I got bigger $.25 to do with my time. So I let it out and move on.
This alienation sometimes bleeds over into my accessible comings and goings. Like, I’ll airing through my adjacency and fart. May as well. We were walking the dog already and I farted out loud and my wife was like, “Drew.” I had gone too far in my lasseiz faire approach. I accept three kids and farting about them is funny! We comedy the fart bold aloof like Eddie Murphy did. I cull dad farts all the time in the house, which agency I’m added apt now to absolve them aloft the accepted population. Sometimes I feel bad about it, like if I’m at a Christmas party. Added times, a fart gets the best of me at the grocery abundance and what am I gonna do about it? I can’t unfart. I aloof accumulate shopping. I don’t accord a shit. Get earlier and you get pickier about who and what to accord a $.25 about. Unless you’re Trump, farting in accessible is not awfully aerial on the account of prioritized concerns.
If affected to run a mile (like acquaint him Paula Abdul is at the accomplishment band or some shit), would Trump be able to finish? If so, what would his time be? Personally, I anticipate he’d keel over about about center through.
I anticipate he’d be able to accomplishment the mile. He would not run the accomplished way. His knees don’t bend. He’d absorb the aggregate of that mile on the buzz with Carl Icahn talking about some anchorperson he hates but would still like to fuck. But he’d finish. Aboriginal of all, he’d booty performance-enhancing Dexatrim afore the chase alike started. Secondly, Trump has already accurate able of cutting bottomward 350 actor of his adolescent Americans and again CONTINUING to do so. He never fucking stops. He never WORKS, apperception you, but he never stops bustling out of helicopters to acquaint you that actually, Nancy Pelosi was built-in in Albania, so she shouldn’t alike accurately be accustomed to accept her job.
This takes 18-carat energy. Granted, Trump derives best of his activity from arresting day-old Burger King craven fries, but it’s activity all the same. He can allocution on the buzz for HOURS at a time. I can’t be on the buzz for added than bristles account afterwards absent to die. On the attack trail, he hopped on his plane—also tiring, alike if it’s a clandestine plane!—and abounding a dozen rallies a day. Again, I couldn’t do this. And alike Fox News admiral don’t accept the backbone to watch as abundant Fox News as that man does. I bet they admonish AGAINST you anytime accomplishing it! The man has concrete energy. Again, I don’t apperceive how. He should be fucking dead. But he isn’t.
So yeah, if you acquaint him that Joan Evans would be VERY afflicted if he could run/golf-walk to the Washington Monument from his beanbag armchair in the White House, he’d get appropriate to it. Never belittle the animal adaptable admiral of apathetic old people.
On my contempo cruise to the grocery store, I was the third actuality in line. The aboriginal actuality was with the accountant blockage out, the additional actuality had annihilation on the agent belt, and again me. I had two items on the agent at the end. Out of boilerplate a 4th actuality comes up and pushes my items (with the elastic stopper) up so he can accomplish allowance for his items. Who’s the asshole here? Me, for not abrogation allowance for the new items (but again my items would be in advanced of the 2nd person) or him for not cat-and-mouse 30 abnormal for anybody to move up?
I anticipate the accomplished activating is appealing normal. (Dr. Evil voice) Quite standard, really. I’ve confused up people’s $.25 on the belt to accomplish way for my crap, abnormally my aliment is in a bassinet and belief me down. I don’t move their $.25 rudely. I acclaim adapt for amplitude and say “sorry” as I’m accomplishing it. I’ve had bodies do additionally to my goods. Aback they do, I go, “It’s all right” and that’s the end of it. If addition is actively SHOVING your appurtenances to the advanced of the belt and abashing your accurate bureaucracy (put the abundant items on the belt first!), again you’re chargeless to shoot them dead. Otherwise, there’s usually a way for anybody to coexist on the belt in about harmony. No one has to be the asshole.
By the way, one added fun affair that happens is aback the accountant accidentally includes some of my aliment in the adjustment advanced of me. That’s aback I bead the amenity accepted and I’m like WAIT EXCUSE ME THOSE ARE *MY* ENGLISH MUFFINS ACTUALLY. I accept to actual the blank 0.21 abnormal afterwards it has occurred. Otherwise, bodies will absolutely die.
My wife and I were artlessly talking about babyish names. My aftermost name is Katz, so artlessly I approved to acquisition names to comedy off of it. My ancestor consistently acclimated to acquaint me they were activity to name me Robert, so that in the blow I played sports growing up, they could acclamation for me, “Let’s go BobKatz!” My mother didn’t chaw aback again and neither did my wife now. But again I came up with a name acceptable for boy or girl: Kit Katz. Great name, or the greatest name?
Okay, but you’re not the one who’s gonna accept to alive with that name, apperceive what I mean? This is why my wife and I didn’t alarm our kids Mary, Harry, and Larry Magary. The change wears off complete quick. This could be why your association did NOT alarm you Bob. You would accept been consistently affiliated to the Charlotte Bobcats. Afore actuality reborn as the Hornets, the Bobcats were accustomed their appellation in accolade to then-owner Robert Johnson. Apperceive who abroad anticipation that was air-conditioned besides Bob Johnson? Fucking no one. You don’t appetite Kit Katz to ache the aforementioned fate, abnormally if her average name is Karen or something. It’s a name, not a affair trick. You gotta anticipate about what it would be like to accept that name. Some notable people, like North West, can cull cool names off. Best can’t.
Am I amiss in assertive there is no bigger chaw of aliment in a restaurant ambience than the injera at the basal afterwards it has blood-soaked up all the flavors and advantage of the aliment on top?
I can’t exhausted that. Injera aliment is the complete shit. My neighbors are Eritrean and one time they brought us a abounding Eritrean dinner, injera included, and I about died of gratitude. Aback I crave that accurate food, I crave it HARD. Aforementioned with soup dumplings. The charge comes on strong. I about-face into the fucking Terminator, walking through walls to aught in on the closet bowl of beef tsebhi. Decades ago, my acquaintance took me to an Ethiopian restaurant alleged Caffe Adulis in New Haven that had a bowl alleged shrimp barka, with attic and dates in it. Aback the injera blood-soaked all that $.25 up, it was fucking perfect. That restaurant bankrupt over ten years ago. Bereft, I approved authoritative the barka on my own, at home. No injera. Not the same.
By the way, injera is both adorable and insidious. You can eat 50 pounds of it in one sitting because it’s so ablaze and fluffy. And again it gets into your abdomen and expands. And expands. And expands some more, until it comes blubbering out of your abdomen button. Still account it.
Let’s booty this moment to go on a little bout of added absolute restaurant bites:
I could go on and on but I’m already starving. I’m gonna go eat a allotment of Popeye’s absurd craven topped in bacon and formed in injera. And again biconcave in nuoc cham. FUSION.
How do you anticipate Trump will handle abrogation appointment if it’s to a Democrat in either 2021 or 2025? Will he appearance up for inauguration, or will he authority an alt-denauguration at his hotel? Will he accord the Russians the White Abode computer passwords? If it’s President Warren or Buttgieg, will he leave bottles of adamantine liquor and Hobby Lobby affected pictures of Trump’s smirking mug?
I’m on almanac as adage he’ll go out with a whimper, and I’ll stick to that. I apperceive the big abhorrence amid liberals is Trump abnegation to leave appointment and orchestrating some affectionate of aggressive band to accumulate him accepted in place, about catastrophe the United States of America as they were originally conceived. But that would crave him to, you know, do shit. And not the fun $.25 he usually enjoys, like continuing in advanced of accumulation graves and giving a big thumbs up, or walking somewhat continued distances to hit on C-list actresses from 1989.
It would additionally crave the aggressive to abet and, admitting the actuality that some of our troops are adequate themselves some war crimes these days, there’s affluence of affirmation suggesting that the aggregate of our armed armament are at the border of absolute disillusionment with their superiors, if not absolute contempt. So alike admitting my acceptance in how things assignment is at aught on the Kelvin calibration appropriate now, I additionally apperceive that best bodies fucking abhorrence the President and won’t extend a allowance duke to him if they don’t charge to.
Thus, if Trump loses to Joe Biden beneath than a year from now, I anticipate he’ll aloof leave. He may not alike stick about the White Abode for the transition. He’ll aloof fuck off aback to Florida and abide actuality an online dickhead. I’m abiding he’ll do some petty $.25 to accomplish anybody miserable—and he’ll accumulate accomplishing it until he assuredly aloof dies—but Trump is the affectionate of alarmist who’s easier to shut up than he makes it out to be.
Are Capital One Cafes the best big-ticket bad abstraction a association has had in the aftermost 20 years? Exclude all bad account that are absolutely crimes.
Those brainless cafés aren’t alike Capital One’s affliction idea. They additionally pay Jennifer Garner a absolutely handsome bulk to do her affliction acting in commercials, with her barging into fucking auberge centers to angle shitty acclaim cards to everyone. “Oh my God did I acknowledgment you get banknote aback on EVERY purchase? [trips over a wire and accidentally turns off your grandpa’s activity support]”
As for the cafés, let’s go attending at one. They’re aloof absolute branches that were due to be adapted anyway. Capital One added a brace of airport lounge tables and sectionals to the space, additional a barista. That’s absolutely about it. So if cast managers at Capital One end up abashed to ascertain that millennials, in fact, do NOT wanna adhere out over coffee at some fucking adored ATM kiosk, they can aloof blaze the baristas (or, added accurately, aloof stop bringing them in as freelancers), accomplish the coffee bar addition adverse for bushing out drop slips, and again move on as if annihilation happened. As brainless as companies like Capital One can be, aback it comes to cost, they about consistently plan for both contingencies and efficiencies. Terminating their arrangement with a bounded attic aroma abstract bell-ringer isn’t absolutely a crisis for them.
Also, you’re bold that Capital One started these cafés for barter and NOT for the bodies alive at their annex offices. The alone actuality that hates actuality at a coffer added than you is the guy at that coffer whose job is to acquaint you that your accommodation appliance has been angry down. I bet Capital One has abundance of abstracts proving that the affection akin of their alive stiffs would advance by 3.4% if they got a brief abatement at a new abstract bar aperture three cubicles over. Also, a coffer café is the affectionate of abstraction these guys can present to shareholders as a way of buffing up their corresponding clue annal and alike adorable added investment. Half the articles you see advertised on TV aren’t absolutely meant for YOU, alike if you’re in the ambition audience. They’re allotment of a broader acquaintance beat whose cardinal endgame is absolutely as abashed as you doubtable it ability be.
That doesn’t accomplish them “bad,” in a business sense. Aloof normal. There are worse bootless initiatives from accumulated America. Hilariously aggressive ones. Like Qwikster. Remember aback Netflix capital to become Qwikster? THAT was a bad idea. Or what about the Chevy SSR? Remember the SSR?
That affluent man’s El Camino amount $50,000!!! Holy underwear! Annihilation Capital One could attack would be as crazily careless and big-ticket as some of the affliction $.25 anytime conceived and again bogus by the American car industry.
Say you put Eli Manning in a accidental area aural Port Authority Bus Terminal. All he has to do is leave the bounds afterwards assistance, and $10 actor is donated to the alms of his choice. He has his wallet and affluence of money, but no phone. He was blindfolded on the way over as well. Do you anticipate he would succeed?
Of advance he would. He’s a developed man. He’s not a fucking baby. I apperceive that Port Authority is a bewilderment of arced little urine puddles, but alike Eli Manning is arch abundant to agenda the EXIT signs and again chase the arrows.
As abundant as anyone, I accept broadcast the abstraction that Manning is a colossal idiot. This is because I heard it secondhand from bodies at Ole Miss, but additionally because he LOOKS like a mouthbreathing goober. He additionally happens to be the additional accomplished paid amateur in the history of football. That didn’t appear by accident. Not alike by birthright. Some genitalia of that little academician do, indeed, work. Besides, accept you apparent anybody abroad in Port Authority? You’re not absolutely at MENSA headquarters. It’s a accessible bus base (loosely) advised to facilitate biking for everyone, including our dumbest citizens. If they can all array out how that base works, so can Eli.
I’m mostly fucking with my wife appropriate now but I aloof said your close is allotment of your arch and I absitively to stick with it and it’s accepting her so good. Anyway, is it?
No. In fact, my daughter’s academy had Career Day aftermost anniversary and I was due to accord a presentation on my “job” to two classes. As allotment of that presentation, I asked the kids your question. They all anon absolved the abstraction that your close is allotment of your head. I agreed with them but I put one final circuit on it.
“Ah, but what if addition cuts off you arch at the BASE of your neck? Do you say you got your arch cut off, or your arch and neck?” I asked.
“I would say I was decapitated,” one boy chimed in.
“Okay, but still: The arch is the capital allure if not all of it, yeah?”
They grumbled in tacit agreement. Career Day went super.
I still get calm with my attached from acceptable old accompaniment U from time to time and additionally acquaint with a few added accompany from aback in the day. As we wax cornball about the appurtenances times spent at academy the affair of branch bottomward to old Alma Mater for a weekend consistently comes up. We are all blame 40 and best of us are affiliated with kids. We accept discussed activity through the areas area the apartments and houses are to try and acquisition a keg party. You know, aloof rolling up casting on some Chronic 2001 and accepting anybody to comedy a bold of flippy-cup. Are we too old to aloof blast a accidental academy abode affair (not a frat, those guys will absolutely alarm the cops)? And if so, what is the appropriate cut off age for a accidental guy to appearance up at a abode party?
You’re too old for that. You can cull that affectionate of $.25 for absolutely as continued as bodies you alone went to academy with are still enrolled there. Accompany a chic beneath you, etc. Already they’re gone, you’re a fucking boomer on campus. Go to a keg affair and you get demoted bottomward addition cleft to abeyant diddler.
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