Christmas Card Quotes Funny

Everyone says it’s the division to be jolly. But if you’re not in a blithe affection aloof yet, this account of 100 funny Christmas quotes should accord you a few Santa-worthy abdomen laughs. 

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Share these funny anniversary quotes with your accompany and ancestors to beforehand Christmas joy, or use them as able Christmas-themed Instagram captions. You can alike use them on coffee mugs or T-shirts and accord them as gifts!

Either way, these funny Christmas quotes are abiding to accompany adequate advice to you and your kin and advice get you into the anniversary spirit.

1. “I was Christmas arcade and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I blanket it from.’” — David Letterman

2. ”Let’s be annoying and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan

3. ”I’ve abstruse that you can acquaint a lot about a actuality by the way he handles these three things: a backing day, absent luggage, and circuitous Christmas timberline lights.” — Maya Angelou

4. ”The affliction allowance is a fruitcake. There is alone one fruitcake in the absolute world, and bodies accumulate sending it to anniversary other.” — Johnny Carson

5. ”Christmas: It’s the alone religious anniversary that’s additionally a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and anybody abroad can sit at home and reflect on the accurate acceptation of the break of abbey and state.” — Samantha Bee

6. ”It’s consistently abating to apperceive that today’s Christmas ability are tomorrow’s barn sales.”— Milton Berle

7. “Christmas is a box of timberline ornaments that accept become allotment of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz

8. ”We bless the bearing of one who told us to accord aggregate to the poor by giving anniversary added automatic tie racks.” — Bill McKibben

9. “It’s easier to feel a little added airy with a brace of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson

10. “I adulation Christmas. I accept a lot of admirable presents I can’t delay to exchange.” — Henny Youngman

11. ”Christmas to a adolescent is the aboriginal abhorrent affidavit that to biking hopefully is bigger than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry

12. “Santa Claus has the appropriate idea. Visit bodies alone already a year.” — Victor Borge

13. ”The capital acumen Santa is so blithe is because he knows area all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

14. “I don’t apperceive what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

15. “Christmas is a babyish battery that went absolutely overboard.” — Andy Borowitz

16. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They attending so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear

17. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not accept in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips

18. “I chock-full assertive in Santa Claus aback I was six. Mother took me to see him in a administration store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple

19. “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year aback we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we acclamation a little more. For a brace of hours out of the accomplished year, we are the bodies that we consistently hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray

20. “Mail your bales aboriginal so the column appointment can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

RELATED: 100 Best Christmas Quotes

21. “What I don’t like about appointment Christmas parties is attractive for a job the abutting day.” — Phyllis Diller

22. “Aren’t we apathy the accurate acceptation of Christmas? You know, the bearing of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

23. “You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx

24. “Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres

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25. “The Supreme Court has disqualified that they cannot accept a bearing arena in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t acquisition three astute men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

26. “There’s article about a Christmas sweater that will consistently accomplish me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig

27. “I grew up on a Christmas Timberline Farm so this is a adequate division for me. I was too adolescent to advice with the carriage of the copse up the hills and putting them assimilate cars. So, it was my job to cull the bloodthirsty mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The botheration with that is if you leave them on there, bodies accompany them into their house. I forgot to analysis one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of bags of them!” — Taylor Swift

READ  Card Christmas Quotes

28. “I don’t appetite Christmas division to end, because it’s the alone time I can accurately allow in on accurate addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James

29. “In the old days, it was not alleged the Anniversary Season; the Christians alleged it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews alleged it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. Bodies casual anniversary added on the artery would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry

30. “My husband’s abstraction of accepting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White

31. Christmas is such a carefree, airy time—that’s one of the things I adulation about it. — Stephen King

32. “‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford

33. “We elves try to stick to the four capital aliment groups: candy, bonbon canes, bonbon corns and syrup.” — Elf

34. “Keep your accompany close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all above purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

35. “Oh look, yet addition Christmas TV special! How affecting to accept the acceptation of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d accept anytime estimated that artefact consumption, accepted entertainment, and adherence would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson

36. “Do you apperceive why so abounding bodies adulation Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White

37. “Thank you, Stockings, for actuality a continued combustible allotment of bolt bodies like to adhere over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon

38. “I abhorrence the radio this time of year because they comedy ‘All I Appetite For Christmas Is You’ like, every added song. And that’s aloof not enough. — Bridger Winegar.

39. “This anniversary season, no amount what your adoration is, amuse booty a moment to reflect on why it’s bigger than all the added ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser

40. “Nothing’s as beggarly as giving a little adolescent article advantageous for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard

41. “What I like about Christmas is that you can accomplish bodies balloon the accomplished with the present.” — Don Marquis

42. “Next to a bazaar there ain’t annihilation that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard

43. “Christmas sweaters are alone adequate as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz

44. “Christmas is the division aback you buy this year’s ability with abutting year’s money.” — Unknown

45. “Never anguish about the admeasurement of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 anxiety tall.” — Larry Wilde

46. “That’s the accurate spirit of Christmas; bodies actuality helped by bodies added than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld

47. ”The best way to beforehand Christmas acclamation is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf

48. ”Christmas is a chase to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.” — Unknown

49. ”Sending Christmas cards is a adequate way to let your accompany and ancestors apperceive that you anticipate they’re account the amount of a stamp.” — Melanie White

50. ”The appointment Christmas affair is a abundant befalling to bolt up with bodies you haven’t apparent for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe

51. ”A Christmas phenomenon is aback your ancestors doesn’t get into a distinct altercation all day.” — Melanie White

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Christmas Quotes | Today Loves christmas card quotes funny christmas card quotes funny

52. ”There are 17 added arcade canicule until Christmas. So, guys, that agency 16 added canicule till we alpha shopping, right?”— Conan O’Brien

53. ”One adequate affair about Christmas arcade is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley

54. ”A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” — Unknown

READ  Christmas Card Quotes

55. ”From a bartering point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be all-important to ad-lib it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

56. ”Even afore Christmas has said Hello, it’s adage ‘Buy Buy.’” — Robert Paul

57. “The ideal Christmas allowance is money, but the agitation is you can’t allegation it.” — Bill Vaughan

58. “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle

59. “It’s that’s appropriate time of year aback your accomplished ancestors gathers calm in one abode to attending at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel

60. “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a ample array of white berries placed about over Harry’s head. He jumped out from beneath it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s generally infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling

61. “You apperceive you’re accepting old aback Santa starts attractive younger.” — Robert Paul

62. ”There is a arresting breakdown of aftertaste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, amenable developed men abrasion neckties fabricated of holly leaves and alcohol alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourk

63. ”One affair I abstruse from bubbler is that if you anytime go Christmas caroling, you should go with a accumulation of people. And additionally go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.

64. ”This accomplished Christmas, I told my adherent for months in beforehand that all I capital was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You apperceive what she got me? A bootleg anatomy with a account of us from our aboriginal date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

65. ”I set a claimed almanac on Christmas. I got my arcade done three weeks advanced of time. I had all the presents aback at my apartment, I was center through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I acclimated the amiss wrapping paper.’ The cardboard I acclimated said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t appetite to decay it, so I aloof wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin

RELATED: 100 Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes!

66. ”I bought my brother some clean for Christmas. I took it to the Allowance Blanket administration and told them to blanket it, but in a altered book so he would apperceive aback to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright

67. “People are so afraid about what they eat amid Christmas and New Year, but they absolutely should be afraid about what they eat amid the New Year and Christmas.” — Anonymous

68. “My wife, like abounding women, absolutely brand wrapping things. If she gives you a allowance that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is actual abutting to actuality a evidence of brainy illness.” — Dave Barry

69. “I larboard Santa gluten-free accolade and amoebic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” — Earthman Adam

70. “Of advance Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion accolade in one night, what do you anticipate is activity to happen?” — Jimmy Kimmel

71. “People absolutely act awe-inspiring at Christmas time! What added time of year do you sit in advanced of a comatose timberline in the active allowance and eat basics and sweets out of your socks?” — Unknown

72. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows aback you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine

73. “Christmas is consistently a botheration to the man who has to argue his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” — Evan Esar

74. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden

75. “The earlier I get, the beneath useless gifts I get. The beneath I get, the beneath I accept to blanket to re-gift for abutting Christmas.” — Robert Rivers

76. “You can aloof apprehend Santa adage ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ aback you receive your acclaim agenda account in January.” — Kate Summers

77. “I never get to see Santa Claus appear bottomward the chase because I consistently get too annoyed and abatement comatose from bistro all his accolade while cat-and-mouse for him. — Theodore W. Higginsworth

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78. “Santa’s reindeer get about so fast because they accept athletes feet. — Kids Abiding Are Funny

79. “Once again, we appear to the anniversary season, a acutely religious time that anniversary of us observes, in his own way, by activity to the capital of his choice.”  Dave Barry

READ  Christmas Card Sayings Funny

80. “I already bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a agenda on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning

81. “Don’t get your applique in a tangle.” — Unknown

82. “A admirable affair about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstom, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor

83. “Dear Santa, afore I explain, how abundant do you apperceive already?” — Unknown

84. “The capital acumen Santa is so blithe is because he knows area all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

85. “Why is Christmas aloof like a day at the office? You do all the assignment and the fat guy with the clothing gets all the credit.” — Unknown

86. “It’s all fun and amateur until Santa checks the annoying list.” — Unknown 

87. “I’m alone a morning actuality on December 25th.” — Unknown

88. “Once you stop assertive in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” — Unknown

89. “You apperceive what I got for Christmas? Fat.” — Unknown

90. “I’m absent of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll alcohol the red.” — Unknown

91. “Dear Santa, I was framed.” — Unknown

92. “Single all the way.” — Unknown

93. “Sleigh all day, again cabernet.” — Unknown

RELATED: 35 Elf Quotes That Are Abiding to Beforehand Christmas Cheer

94. “Santa Clause wears a red suit. He charge be a communist. And continued hair. He charge be a pacifist. What’s in that aqueduct he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie

95. “Some bodies are built-in for Halloween, and some are aloof counting the canicule until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones

96. “Christmas is a time aback you get homesick, alike if you’re home.” — Carol Nelson

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97. “I aloof appetite to be affluent abundant to buy abundant ornaments to awning added than one ancillary of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas

98. “I ambition we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and accessible one up every month.” — Unknown

99. “Let’s get lit.” — Unknown

100. “Christmas is the division aback bodies run out of money afore they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde

Add some blithe fun to your feed, too, with these 50 anniversary Instagram explanation ideas.

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